When to Let Go of People and Move On: Consider These Five Things Before Ending a Relationship

What do you do with someone who does not apologize or even recognize that they have harmed you?

I’ve struggled with this most of my life.

Do you walk away temporarily until you get your bearings and figure out what happened? Do you forgive and forget and go on as if nothing happened? Or, do you walk away for good?

Each one of us has grappled with these questions throughout our lives, and making the right decision is sometimes not easy to navigate. We want to do our best and forgive others (no one is perfect), but we also don’t want people to walk all over us. How do we balance what is best for us without alienating our friends or loved ones?

Sometimes you have to let go and move on. But in my experience, there are three types of people to consider before deciding whether to let go or not.

The Abuser

This is the person who blatantly harms us and never acknowledges their abuse, much less apologizes for it. This is the person who did us so wrong that it takes years, sometimes decades, for us to recover. It could be a toxic parent, sibling, family member, or spouse who is abusive.

We might spend years learning to accept what happened to us, then recover from the pain and learn to live again. It takes a long time to learn new habits that sustain wellness and happiness.

The abuser is the person we have to remove from our lives or go “no contact.” He or she might be a psychopath or narcissist (or worse).

The Self-Centered

A self-centered person harms us but doesn’t know it until you point it out. They are either oblivious, don’t care, or are too self-focused. You tell them that what they do is hurtful, but they brush it off as if it doesn’t matter.

They tell you that you are “being too sensitive” or “making a big deal out of nothing.” They might ignore you, or never bring it up again. Worse yet, they might try to manipulate you by attempting to make you think you caused the pain. This is called gaslighting and is a form of emotional abuse. It is very harmful and should never be tolerated.

The Empathic

This person might accidentally say or do something hurtful, but they recognize their behavior is not okay. These are the people who are open to change and improvement.

This person did not intend to hurt you, but by their actions, accidentally did. He will apologize and make every attempt to change his behavior. This is a real friend. This is a person who loves you and shows it by listening to how you feel, what you need, and makes every effort to refrain from hurting you again. This person is a keeper.

Which person should you remove from your life, and which person should you make your best friend? Sometimes, this decision is not as easy as it seems.

When do we decide to go no contact, and when do we decide to give second chances?

“Love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”

— Thich Nhat Hanh

Before answering those questions, let’s explore what a healthy relationship is.

A healthy relationship of any sort – whether romantic or otherwise – consists of trust, honesty, respect, openness, and ease.

Trust

In a healthy relationship, there has to be trust.

There are a few levels of trust. When you first meet someone, you might trust that they have your best interest in mind on a basic level – they will not kill you while you are having coffee together, for example, or the clerk you chat with at the store will not steal your credit card details when you pay for your groceries.

The more time you spend with someone, the more trust you develop for them. As time passes, you both develop a deeper trust in each other.

Honesty

This is so basic, but nevertheless, it needs to be explained. If someone is dishonest with you, how can you expect a good relationship?

Honesty is the cornerstone of any relationship. Without it, you will be spinning your wheels with someone. If they are dishonest, trust is broken. And without trust, there is nothing. Honesty and trust are married partners.

Respect

Does your friend like cheese, and you hate it? Is your friend vegan, and you eat tons of meat? This is where respect comes in.

You might think Jesus is God, and your mother might be an atheist. This is where respect comes in. Respect shows the believer that you care about them, even if you do not necessarily accept their beliefs.

Respect shows the atheist that you do not ask them if they have accepted Christ as their savior every time you see them. Respect can only happen after there is trust and honesty in a relationship.

Respect is earned, not just given. There is basic respect and kindness for everyone. But deep respect for someone comes only after trust and honesty. Respect is definitely earned.

Personally, I prefer friends who are not religious, but I can surely see that I can be a friend to someone religious as long as they respect me, in the true meaning of the word.

Openness

Being open with someone only comes after you have developed trust, honesty, and respect. Once trust and honesty are broken, you lose respect, and it is very hard to be open.

Openness is the ability to feel at ease with someone enough to tell them anything about what is going on in your life. You will have different levels of openness, of course. You might trust your dry cleaner and have great conversations with him, but you will not divulge the problems with your sex life with him because he is not as close to you as your best friend.

Openness will only come with complete trust, honesty, and respect in any relationship.

Ease

What do I mean by ease?

Have you ever been with a person whom you feel uncomfortable around? There is something you cannot pinpoint about why you get that icky, uneasy feeling when with them. This is your intuition speaking to you; it is vital to listen to it.

You don’t have to analyze why you feel nervous or weird (for lack of a better word) around them. Usually, it is because they are untrustworthy, dishonest, disrespectful, or have no idea how to be open. This is a person you should stay away from. They are a bright, red flag.

On the other hand, in a good friendship, you feel completely at ease. You are not nervous, wondering what you will say next, or wondering if they are being honest, or if they are spewing bullshit.

You feel at home with them. You can rest your head on their shoulder and know they have your back. It is not a chore to be with them. They are trustworthy, honest, respectful, and open.

So, this brings me back to the original question: how do we know when to let go?

When to let go

Well, anything other than what I described above is not a good relationship, whether with friends, siblings, parents, or lovers. That kind of relationship is forced. It is like forcing water that wants to flow downstream to flow upstream – the water will never go where it doesn’t want to go.

There is friction in the relationship. We know the relationship is harmful, but we don’t end it. We hold onto it because that person is a spouse, a parent, or a best friend. To our detriment, we do not let go because of tradition or loyalty.

No abusive relationship is worth your sanity or peace.

“Some things break your heart but fix your vision.” – Unknown

I am guilty of holding onto people who were abusive, disrespectful, or just not right for me for most of my life, until I learned better. I wish I could tell you that I cared enough about myself to not allow disrespect, but I can’t. I can only tell you that I have learned and changed.

I deserved better, and so do you! You do not need to allow abusive people in your life just because they are your family or a childhood friend. But you are the only one who can decide whether to end or limit the time you spend in that troubled relationship.

You might decide to spend time with that person a few times a year or only on holidays. It’s okay to take care of yourself by setting boundaries, even if it’s a parent or sibling who gives you the “ick.” I understand that it’s not an easy decision. I know this from experience.

You owe the people in your life nothing if they are untrustworthy, dishonest, disrespectful, or abusive. You do not owe them your time if you feel uneasy around them. You deserve people in your life who are honest and kind, trustworthy and real, open and interested, respectful, and those who ooze acceptance and ease.

These are the basics.

And sometimes the best course of action is to let go.

© Copyright Vilma G. Reynoso 2025